A psychologist helps you determine when to accept an olive branch.
Second chances are tricky terrain. Choosing to accept someone back into your life after they’ve harmed you is anything but simple, no matter if it’s a family member who has grown distant, a dissolved friendship, or an old flame that hasn’t quite burned out.
Here, I’ll talk about three things to consider when deciding whether or not to give someone a second chance.
#1. Have they accepted responsibility for their actions?
Step one is to determine if this person understands that they’ve done something to hurt you. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Are they acting like nothing happened?
- Are they blaming you for being overly sensitive?
- Are they genuinely acknowledging their error and apologizing for messing up?
The last thing you want is to get caught in a cycle of emotional manipulation where this person makes it seem like you are being dramatic for nothing or brushes your feelings under the rug.
Healthy relationships require us to take ownership of our actions and accept responsibility instead of engaging in blame games.
When someone owns up to their actions, it fosters dependability and trust. It also shows they are willing to be vulnerable in order to make the relationship work.
If you feel that the other person has accepted responsibility for their actions, ask yourself this next question:
#2. Can you forgive this person?
After a fallout, you might find yourself pondering questions like:
- Why should I give them another chance?
- Should I give them another chance after they hurt me?
Before trying to answer to your “shoulds,” you must first decide whether you can forgive their wrongs. Failure to accomplish this might preclude any attempts at reconciliation.
To err is to be human. Therefore, it’s crucial for all of us to have the capacity to forgive. Forgiving someone before considering second chances in relationships is an absolute prerequisite.
One study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that forgiveness, as opposed to revenge, produced profound feelings of humanness. According to the authors, if you find yourself being reluctant to forgive someone who has hurt you, ask yourself what your personal barriers to forgiveness are and take some time to reflect on how remaining in an unforgiving state is affecting your emotional well-being.
If you then decide that you might be ready to begin the process of forgiveness, ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you feel you have an accurate understanding of the transgressor’s actions and what caused them to do what they did? (If not, a conversation with them could be helpful.)
- Are there ways you can relate to and empathize with your transgressor’s actions?
- Have you been on the receiving end of compassion and forgiveness after hurting someone? How did that feel?
- Is your relationship with this person worth investing in?
It is important to remember that forgiving doesn’t mean excusing the transgressor or releasing the transgressor from being accountable for their behavior. Instead, forgiving people can help you restore your humanness.
#3. Has the person grown? If so, are they maintaining those changes?
Asking someone to change is never an easy conversation. Whether it turns out to be successful has a lot to do with both partners’ attitudes toward the change request.
According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it is important that changing partners feel supported during the change process and that the requester provides feedback about how things are going. Therefore, if you are the one requesting change from another, let this person know that their efforts are making a difference.
It’s also important that the person who is being asked to change understands that such requests are a sign of the other person’s commitment to them. Thinking about it from this standpoint makes such requests more motivating and less upsetting.
It should be noted that if your ex-partner or friend lacks emotional maturity and/or continues to act in ways that produced the problems in the first place, letting them back in might disrupt the emotional healing you have worked hard to achieve.
#4. Have you adequately communicated your new expectations?
As we evolve, so do our ideals, needs, and wants. So, it is crucial that you communicate new expectations to others.
Here are some examples of healthy relationship expectations, according to a recent review paper published in the Review of General Psychology:
- Mutual trust
- Equal commitment to the relationship
- Empathy and acceptance of others’ experiences and emotions
- Appreciation in the relationship
- Mutual understanding and compromise
- Respect for differences
Conclusion
The ability to give each other second chances is one of humanity’s superpowers. But it must be used wisely. Do it only when you feel that you and the other party are willing to put in the work to make it work again.
