Love is tricky, especially with someone who doesn’t know how to be loved.
Being in love with someone who has a history of trauma or emotional instability can be challenging. The impact of a traumatic past on an intimate relationship can make it difficult for a couple to experience steady relationship growth.
A few signs that your relationship may be affected by your partner’s unhealed emotional wounds are:
- Unpredictable avoidance of emotional and physical intimacy
- Experiencing frequent conflicts that lack sensible resolutions
- A frequent occurrence of negative emotions like frustration, anger, confusion, and sadness
- Episodes of isolation and/or withdrawal
- A feeling of hopelessness and helplessness with respect to the relationship
One study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that an increase in traumatic symptoms in an individual (i.e., sleep problems, dissociation, severe sexual problems, etc.) not only makes life more difficult for that individual but also raises significant concerns for the couple. If left unaddressed, the residual emotions can lead to a make-or-break situation.
Of course, anyone who loves someone with a history of trauma wants desperately to fix the problem for them. But often, fixing the problem is more about what we don’t do than when or how we intervene. Avoiding these three tendencies can be a good first step towards helping your partner overcome their past demons.
#1. Don’t try to heal their trauma for them
Listening to and seeing a partner in distress can incite a need to ‘fix them’ and ‘make everything better.’ However, it is crucial to learn the difference between understanding their problems versus taking responsibility or ownership for them.
A ‘savior complex’ can be counterproductive in that it increases their dependency on you while emotionally exhausting yourself. Instead of ‘saving them,’ try to simply be present for them. Here are a few ways to accomplish this:
- Practice active listening, giving your undivided attention to their venting process
- Be emotionally supportive and show empathy by saying things like, ‘I’m sorry you experienced that’, or ‘I can see how that is really hard for you. It would be hard for anyone.’
- Show curiosity and ask how you can assist them
The healing effect of simply allowing your partner to feel safe and secure in their vulnerability is often underestimated. If you find yourself struggling to exit the loop of jumping in to help, talking to a mental health professional is advisable.
#2. Don’t internalize their problems
The demands of caring for a partner with trauma can be heavy as they often behave in ways that are difficult to understand, leaving you feeling dejected and hurt. However, their responses are not necessarily a reflection on you or your relationship.
Traumatic experiences take time to heal. While the healing process is happening, it is common for your partner to be disconnected and distant as they struggle to articulate what is happening inside of them. Conflict can ensue as a result of miscommunication and misinterpretations.
When things get overwhelming, take time to show yourself compassion. Remember, you are helping them through their problems, but their problems are not your problems.
Some ways you can take care of yourself are:
- Recognizing and reinforcing your boundaries
- Taking some space for yourself to engage in activities that rejuvenate you
- Building a support system with people you trust, other than your partner, to help you in times of need
Make sure you get the support you need to be able to show up for someone who needs yours.
#3. Don’t make your relationship only about their trauma
When interacting with a partner with trauma, we sometimes walk on eggshells – assuming anything we might say could trigger an emotionally destructive episode. Extreme cautiousness reduces spaces of comfort and can lead to feelings of isolation.
Normal relationship behaviors – such as connecting emotionally, physically, and sexually – can reduce the impact of trauma on a relationship. One study published in Anxiety, Stress, and Coping found that feeling secure was a key determinant in whether someone was able to successfully overcome a traumatic experience.
Modeling feelings of safety, healthy coping habits, and emotional stability is perhaps the best gift you can give someone who is struggling with trauma.
