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Amazon Studios announced the first James Bond 007 spinoff TV show: 007’s Road to a Million, which will force, er, assign contestants to compete to win a prize of £1 million pounds (or $1.3 million). To advance on the 8-episode show, contestants working in teams of two must surpass physical obstacles and answer questions hidden in locations around the world. The show will be filmed in historic locations featured in Bond films. Now, this is just The Amazing Race with “007” glued to the title. There is nothing in its description that suggests James Bond 007 other than traveling to exotic locations, and we have another word for that already: TOURISM.
If 007’s Road to a Million really wants to be like a James Bond reality show, it has to step up the format several notches. Anyone who has read a Bond novel or seen a Bond movie knows what we’re talking about. A James Bond Travel contest show should replicate James Bond’s exploits as closely as possible. Why else would viewers tune in to watch? James Bond has always been escapism of the most exotic kind. Jame Bond flies into a country on assignment: to look like a tourist on a 5-star booking, take in the sights, seduce the local women, drink lots of vodka martinis shaken, not stirred, end up in chases that destroy lots of public property, and as a bonus, lead an armed assault on a local wrong’un’s stronghold. Easy-peasy, instant ratings magnet.
The Rules of the Game
Thus, contestants should be assigned to have sex with as many people as possible (time to bring Bond into 2022, people), drink loads of vodka martinis, and destroy as much public property in car chases as possible — and get away with it before being sent to the next country to do the same thing. Scores will be kept on how much was drunk, how many people were seduced, and how much real estate they wrecked. But what’s a completion here should be strict rules of course.
Rule #1 – Drinking and Shagging!
Contestants will be disqualified if they collapse from alcohol poisoning and are sent home. Contestants will be disqualified for paying local sex workers for sex. The whole point of James Bond is that he is irresistible. Those being seduced should be socialites, local celebrities, and the misters/mistresses of local gangsters, politicians, tycoons, and warlords. Extra points will be awarded if the contestant manages to get away with it, either without their’s partners knowing or, if caught, succeeding in talking themselves out of a sticky end. Contestants must succeed in leaving the country with life and limb intact. To fail is instant disqualification, and the show will disavow any knowledge of the contestant at all. Funeral costs will be at the contestants’ families’ expense. Points will be deducted if the contest catches an STD since they really should be more careful. Yes, this is James Bond we’re talking about- all of the misogyny and then some!
Rule #2 – Chasing and Wrecking!
Along the way, contestants will end up in chase scenes where they either commandeer a car, a motorcycle, or a boat to escape baddies chasing them. This means driving at high speeds through roads and public places and destroying local landmarks. If driving through a market, contestants earn extra points if they wreck a fruit stand. It’s not a chase scene if they don’t wreck a fruit stand. Contestants are disqualified if they fail to escape or die. James Bond 007 does not die in chase scenes. That is 007’s one job in a chase scene. Contestants are expected to do the same.
Rule #3 – Raiding a Stronghold and Blowing S*** Up!
This is the climax of every James Bond movie. Contestants are expected to mount an attack on the baddie’s stronghold, usually a mansion, a medieval fortress, or a wartime stronghold
Naturally, tourist spots with notable monuments and sights will be picked for maximum spectacle when the contestants start destroying them and blowing them up. Contestants earn extra points if they get help from a local militia, army, police or criminal gang, or secret society. No other explanation is needed, really. A win is to blow the place to buggery. Every James Bond movie climaxes with the villain’s fortress blown sky-high. It’s all very Freudian. The contestant is disqualified if they fail to blow up the place, get arrested, or get killed. Again, the show will disavow all knowledge of the contest, and legal fees, medical costs, or funeral bills will be at their families’ expense.
A Winning Formula!
All of the above conventions are part and parcel of every James Bond 007 movie, just taken to the next level. They are what billions of people have flocked to the cinemas to see every time a new Bond film opens. Gosh, when you start listing them on paper, it looks a lot like James Bond is actually a public menace and genuine danger to the public and local property doesn’t it? Next, you’ll be saying James Bond is a horrible man, a cad, and a bounder. Well, we never! We all love it, really, and what could be a bigger ratings winner for a reality show than seeing various Joe Q. Publics attempting to live the life of James Bond 007. Half the fun is watching them fail, especially when they fail miserably because a James Bond 007 set-piece is always huge, explosive, and spectacular. It would be great television! We watch contest shows to see people fail as much as succeed. Who wouldn’t want to watch every week? Of course, if every single contestant fails, then it shows how hard it is to be James Bond 007. But we live in hope! Perhaps the next poor sod will succeed. Or the next… or the next… Endless fun!
007’s Road to a Million will stream on Amazon Prime sometime in the future and probably won’t resemble anything described here.
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